Tea Party turns into a cannibal buffet
ARIZONA- In a fortified underground bunker 30 miles east of Tucson, a massive enclave of Tea Party end times survivalists, apparently unaware that the world did not end on December 21st, have been engaged in 24 orgy of cannibalism in which 13 members have been partially or entirely eaten. The compound known as “Bunker 3:16” has been the home of the Freedom Eagle Tax Fighter Citizens Militia since early December when hundreds entered the shelter in anticipation of the 14th Baktun, the end of the Mayan calendar.
According to videos posted to Youtube only hours ago, the carnage began with a simple act of charity. We see in the footage a man identified as “Clevon” offering to share half of his hoagie sandwich with another Tea Party member identified as “Timbo” who quickly expressed outrage at a perceived act of socialism. Within the subsequent 7 minutes of the video Timbo rallied a crowd of approximately 30-40 individuals whipping them into frenzy over accusations that Clevon wanted to confiscate their firearms and raise their taxes. The crowd appeared to concur and furthermore expressed fears that Clevon was a double agent who may have already revealed their location to the UN.
A panicked melee ensued, followed by the shooting deaths of 3 individuals, group consensus that the shots were fired in self defense, an impromptu 2nd amendment rally, and inexplicably, a brief Ted Nugent concert.
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At the height of the fervor, a shadowy cabal of unidentified leaders declared over loud speaker that the forces of “anti-freedom” were amassing outside of the blast doors to their subterranean compound. They went on to say an austerity program would be put into place over food supply concerns and “only the most patriotic freedom soldiers would sacrifice themselves to sate the hunger of their fellow Americans.”
Nobody stepped forward to volunteer and the crowd became visibly agitated. A brawl erupted and for nearly 3 minutes the video becomes scrambled and the sound garbled. When the clarity returned it becomes apparent that some time had passed and several individuals can be seen in the foreground being boiled in large cauldrons of frosting and lard over burning piles of communist manifestos.
Desperate attempts have been made by negotiators to contact the Tea Party enclave from the surface, but have been met with an emphatic lack of cooperation. The spokesman for Bunker 3:16 Randy Beaumont stated in his most recent communication “Apoc-e-clipse or not we aint gonna let the government tell us how to eat.”