I already have a stupid shitty job
Most of us have experienced the job interview in our lifetimes and the anxiety that accompanies it, but have you ever gone through the process when you didn’t want the job? Most rational people would answer no, what kind of idiot would interview for a job they definitely did not want, well, this idiot.
Yes there were times when, for whatever reason, I interviewed for a job I did not want. I already got hired somewhere else, I was leaving town, or I just wanted to say all those things in the interview I always longed to but couldn’t. One of my favorite interviews went like this:
Boss: Hello I’m Bob, please have a seat.
Me: (Dressed in a black trench coat buttoned up, a Hawaiian shirt and camouflage pants. I’m wearing mirrored shades and black nit gloves with the fingers cut off. The boss is already eyeing me suspiciously) NO, I prefer to stand so I can remain alert.
Boss: Uhhh …The process will take a few minutes.
Me: In that case I will sit.
Already I have fucked with his rhythm; he nervously shuffled papers for a moment before looking at my application.
Boss: So..uh…tell me about yourself.
Me: Well, I’m unemployed. I live in an apartment now…not on the streets. I’m hungry and I can juggle machetes.
Boss: Well, I guess you can say you’re a multi-tasker, heh heh. (Bob attempts to break the awkward tension)
Me: (I play dumb) WHAT do you mean?
Boss: The juggling? Multi-tasking?
Me: Ah yes, very funny.
Boss: So, maybe you can tell me why you applied with our company.
Me: Well in all honesty Bob, I saw that help wanted sign outside and I thought to myself as I sat at the bus stop, do I need money, and the answer was yes I do. Also, I’ve always wanted to be exposed to the inner workings of a photo-mat business. It was my father’s dream you know, I’m sure he’s looking down at me now and smiling (I fake tears and look to the sky) I’ll make you proud of me father, by the blood of Crom your life shall not be in vain.
Boss: Ok good…uh.. anyway I see you worked at worked at Wolf Camera for 6 months, could you tell me why you left.
Me: To be completely honest (I look around furtively) just between you and me, he was a total prick and I couldn’t look at his stupid arrogant face anymore, you know what I’m talking about right? When you have to work with someone that just makes the bile well up in your mouth and you have that moment of clarity when you think to yourself, I need to get out of here before I murder this asshole. So I did the responsible thing. But don’t you worry, I have the feeling you and I will get along just fine.
At this point this guy is just going through the formalities as quickly as possible, asking all the perfunctory questions he’s required to ask.
Boss: Uhh, what do you think of the phrase “The customer is always right.”
Me: Well that’s a ridicules idea, nobody is ever always right, especially your average consumer. Most of them couldn’t find their own ass with road map and a flashlight.
Boss: (a bit flustered at this point) Ya know, we pride ourselves on our customer service here.
Me: Well yea, after all, the goal is to get their money right, don’t worry, I’m an expert at concealing my smoldering contempt.
Boss: Well OK, why don’t we move to the last questions. Tell me about your strengths and weaknesses…
(I could tell at this point he has written me off and decided to skip ahead to expedite my exit, now is the time for my crescendo, I pull 32 ounce can of Colt 45 from my interior coat pocket, I pop the tab and take a long drink while looking ponderously into space)
Me: Hmmm, tough question Bob. My strengths are myriad, I could brag about my proficiency in hand to hand combat or my sexual prowess, I could tell you about my improv comedy skills or my extensive knowledge of underwater basket weaving but I think my true strength lies in my people skills. As far as weaknesses, I have none that I’m aware of.
Boss: Do you think it’s appropriate to bring beer to a job interview?
Me: Hey if stock brokers and lawyers can have martini lunches, why can’t the common man have some suds on the assembly line right?
Boss: Well…uh thanks for coming in, however I get the feeling this place may not be the right fit for you.
Me: (now looking shocked) wait, what, why! Is it the hair? It’s required by my religion, you can’t ask me to cut it.
Boss: NO! But when somebody brings beer to a job interview it’s a good indicator that they are not going to take the job seriously.
Me: I’m disappointed at you Bob, I barred my soul to you here today and you just shit all over it, YOU SHIT ON MY SOUL BOB! Man, I thought you were cool…..anyway; it was nice to meet you, best of luck.
And with that I walked out the door, with confidence, with gusto, with the assuredness that I don’t need this stupid shitty job, I already have …..a stupid shitty job.